He’s a 10…but he’s a Disney Adult
or balancing depression, anxiety, and my path to a Disney life
Hi.
If you’re here I’m going to assume you already know me, but let’s take a moment to get better acquainted. Warning, you’re in for a long ride (hashtag not best blogging practice).
Three years ago if you had asked me what I would be doing in August 2022 the last thing I’d say would be sitting on a plane, drafting a Disney blog post for an already oversaturated blogosphere, dabbling in the oh-so-hard-to-describe life of an ‘influencer’, and heading to Disney for the 5th time in a year. I probably would have said you clearly had me confused with someone who didn’t quite have their life together. For starters I hate having my photo taken, the level of anxiety I feel over social media is best reserved for situations where there are actual important things at stake, and in my 34 years of life I had been to Disney only four times. I was NOT a Disney adult. I had a job. Responsibilities. Actual worries outside of how many Mickey waffles is too many and if I can fit another outfit change into my bag. I was busy adulting, not Disney adulting.
And yet, here we are on another flight, paying for wifi solely to post a reel and look for dining reservations, while sketching out the framework of my first ever blog post on my phone. Just how did we get here? And perhaps the more pressing question, just how many outfits and bucket hats have I worn to Disney?
I may have not started out as a Disney Adult, but I was 100% a Disney Kid. I remember sitting on the floor of my Disney-themed room and cutting pictures out of magazines (Disney Adventures magazine subscriber of course) for a Mickey shaped collage I was making. We only went to Walt Disney World twice, but I remember both trips in great detail, down to every cringeworthy ‘90s kid outfit. Every year I would always buy the newest unofficial guide (shout out Len Testa) and - perhaps foreshadowing what my adult life would become - entertain myself by planning out every detail of the trips I knew I would one day take.
And then, the Disney memories just kind of stop. It wasn’t that I suddenly disliked Disney, or felt it wasn’t ‘cool’. As I transitioned into middle and high school it just wasn’t part of my life. Family trips to Disney became trips to the beach or other cities, and the 101 Dalmatians wallpaper border in my room (wallpaper borders were an unfortunate ‘90s design trend) was replaced with textured paint (an even more unfortunate ‘00s design trend).
Around that time another prominent factor in my life started to play a role - anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and depression. When we think about Disney it can be so easy to only focus on the the good, the magic, and try away the realities of real life. When I decided I wanted to start a blog to share some of my feelings I made the decision early on that I wanted to be upfront about the struggles I face with mental health. In my experience there’s a unique connection between the sometimes forced magic of Disney, perfection of social media, and what we’re actually feeling inside. I hope the more we talk about it as a community, the easier it comes to understand, accept, and address.
But more to come on that later. For now we go back to the autobiography of Miley. Armed with Major Depressive Disorder and OCD diagnoses and years of therapy, I found myself graduating from college, working in DC, partnered, and living the white-picket-fence-2.5-kids American dream (or at least as close as you can get when you have no kids and no picket fence, but do have a comfortable city apartment, mountain cabin getaway, and highly demanding small dog). I even started dabbling with Disney again, thanks to an Orlando work conference, the discovery of pin trading (#hiddenmickey4life), and a Halloween trip with with extended family. My depression and anxiety were under control. I felt excited about the work I was doing and had a supportive social circle. Life was good.
And then, like for so many over the past years, it all fell apart. In January 2020 my relationship ended. In February I found myself without my usual circle of friends and looking for a new place for me (and said demanding small dog) to live. And in March I was living there alone as the world shut down. From January on, as everything outside changed, the fear and panic (unintended Hercules reference!) I had learned to keep at bay surfaced and consumed my life. For months we shared memes reminding us to change out of our daytime pajamas and into our nighttime pajamas, and laughed at jokes about endless zoom calls and dogs hiding from another walk. But behind the humor, we were all just trying to find a way to cope.
By summer I had fallen into a cycle of deep depression alternating with severe anxiety. I was spending more and more time alone, not only because of restrictions, but because I had separated myself from most of the friends from my previous life and lacked any motivation to try to cultivate new friendships. I would like to give some inspirational story about how one day I woke up, snapped out of it, put on ‘I’ll Make a Man Out of You’ and got down to business to defeat my depression, anxiety, and self-pity, but that would be a lie. Slowly though, and without even really knowing why, Disney started creeping back into my life. I started planning imaginary trips that one day I hoped would be real. I listened to Disney podcasts on my endless walks (shoutout to Jim Hill and again Len Testa!) and I started following more and more Disney accounts on Instagram. People actually starting reaching out to me, making efforts to connect, and I realized there was a whole community of people I could get to know. These instagram profiles would lead me to people I would one day call my best friends, challenge me to be my best self, and guide some of the most important decisions I’ve made. For the first time in forever (or at least since January 2020) I wasn’t so alone.
In April 2021 I finally returned to Walt Disney World, and that, as they say, is the beginning of the end. After that trip I was an all-in Disney Adult, hook, line, and sinker. Since then I’ve become a passholder, reached the coveted but entirely meaningless 10k follower mark on Instagram, and just last week officially introduced myself as a ‘Disney Adult’ on a work call (let it be known I do not work for Disney, or any Disney-adjacent company, so this is not the normal ‘fun fact’ people share).
I could end here and say we’re living happily ever after, nothing can stop us now, and its all blue skies and sunshine, guaranteed. Through this journey I’ve discovered new hobbies like photography and editing, re-ignited interests like fashion, and built an impressive collection of small backpacks. This ‘Disney life’ has encouraged me to do things I thought I couldn’t do (let’s go RunDisney fam!!) but also some things I probably shouldn’t do. Instagram has become one of the biggest sources of anxiety in my life, and some of the most important decisions I have made over the last 3 years - personally, professionally, and financially - have, for good or for bad, been largely influenced by Disney and attempts to build my brand. The depression and anxiety that very nearly crippled my life still looms under a pixie-dusted surface, and even as I type this I’m actively warding off that feeling of panic slowly filling my stomach.
But, as I sit in seat 4A on flight AA2259 in my Mickey Mouse hoodie, RunDisney ball cap, clutching my Mickey Mouse backpack (with 50th Mickey plush bag charm) and drink from my hydro flask covered in stickers from my favorite small shops, I can’t help think that for right now, my Disney life is pretty damn good.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you. You’re the real MVP. Most blog posts will be shorter. And less intense. Think ‘Top 5 Keto Foods at Food & Wine’ or ‘OMG Look How Much I Fit In My Loungefly Can You Even Believe It?’ or ‘Why I Decided to Get and Then Immediately Freaked Out About an Elsa Tattoo’. But mixed in with the magic we all love so much, I want to share some stories of me, both good and bad. I hope maybe some of it will speak to you and encourage you when you feel like you can’t go on, and some of it will just encourage you to buy a pair of ears you may never wear but absolutely need. And above all I hope it will lead you to happiness, connection, and magic. It’s called balance.
Xoxo Miley
Perhaps more than ever many of us are dealing with feelings of depression and suicide, but it’s not something anyone needs to face alone. Call 988 or visit the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.